There's a "roomie humor" piece floating around on the Web that lists ways to get rid of an undesirable roommate. For example: "Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it."

We don't recommend trying this at home, but if humor can lighten up a sticky situation without causing hurt feelings, we're all for it. But unfortunately, even if you're a compassionate comic, you'll probably need to take a more direct approach. These tips will show you some ways to try to head off problems, how to deal with a roommate who's behaving badly, and some pitfalls to avoid along the way.

Preventive medicine
Some landlords may give you the choice of one roommate signing as the primary leaseholder with any others named as sublessees, or of sharing responsibility equally as co-tenants. In the former case, the leaseholder is solely responsible for upholding the terms of the lease, including paying rent in full and on time, even if the sublessees fall behind in payments to her. Like a landlord, she generally has the right to evict a tenant for breaking a term in the lease.

When roommates sign as co-tenants, however, they share equal responsibility. In other words, if one person falls behind on the rent, the others are responsible for coming up with the full amount, on schedule. As co-tenants, if one of you breaks a lease clause, your landlord can start eviction proceedings against all of you. Most landlords would rather hold on to good tenants, but they have no legal mandate to do so.
Renters: Get back your security deposit

How you sign your lease, if given a choice, will depend on your particular situation. But either way, there's an additional step you can take to stem future problems: Draw up your own agreement before you move in together. While it won't be legally binding, it's an excellent tool if there's ever a communication breakdown. The nolo.com Web site offers a sample agreement.

5 steps toward resolving a conflict
Even if you're best friends, living together is the start of a brand-new relationship, and sooner or later you'll probably have to deal with a conflict. No biggie -- we're all adults here, aren't we? But what should you do if those charming differences start driving you up a wall 24-7?

If your roommate's behavior is persistently obnoxious but not illegal, your only recourse is to call on your communication skills. If the problem roommate is a sublessee and he's not honoring the terms of the lease, the primary leaseholder may have the power to evict him (check your lease on this one), as does your landlord.

If you're co-tenants, however, your landlord is the only person who has the power to evict. In both cases, except in extreme situations, getting your landlord involved is best used as a last step. For one thing, you can all be held responsible -- and evicted -- on the grounds of one co-tenant's actions. For another, if the problem roommate is evicted and the remaining tenants can't carry her share of the rent until a replacement is found, the landlord may notify credit agencies that the remaining co-tenants are in default of payment. What can you do for protection?

  • Don't make matters worse by doing something illegal yourself. Some "hot-dogging" measures, such as locking your roommate out of the house, are legal no-no's.
  • Have a talk with the roommate in question before the situation gets out of hand. (See "Communication 101" below.) Try to keep it between the two of you, or if you're in group housing, find out discreetly if others feel the same way. The point is to resolve the conflict, not to humiliate your roommate or convince him that he's a jerk. The earlier you do this, the better your chances are of working it out.
  • If an agreement violation is involved, show him a copy of the lease and/or your roommate agreement. (You know, that thing that's under last year's homework assignments?) Be tactful. If he feels ambushed and isn't concerned about his credit record, he might decide to leave without notice, leaving you responsible for his share of payments.
  • Bring in a neutral party to serve as a mediator. Some universities offer this service to students; or you can ask for help from an acquaintance considered impartial by all roommates.
  • Approach your landlord with the problem and ask for help finding a solution. Some landlords and building managers turn a blind eye to minor offenses, such as overnight visitors staying longer than the lease allows, but they might be willing to send your roomie a "reminder" letter or, if a lease term has been broken, begin eviction proceedings.

Communication 101
Heavy metal at 3 a.m. Underwear hanging in the living room. Stacks of dirty dishes. Persistently late rent payments. A nontenant paramour who keeps his bike in the bathroom. Whatever your conflict, good communication is the cleanest way to handle it. Here are some pointers:

  • Passive aggression is out. For one thing it's beneath you, right? For another, it tends to breed hostility -- not a good home environment if all parties end up staying in the rental.
  • Accentuate the positive: Make a list of your roommate's positive traits as a reminder before you have your talk. What did you like about her when you first met her?
  • Think about how you might be contributing to the situation. You're about to ask someone to make some changes, and chances are he isn't going to be thrilled about it. Are you willing to meet him halfway with some of your own compromises?
  • Be prepared: For your eyes only, write an imaginary script of how you picture the conversation going. If the roommate gets nasty or defensive in this "dress rehearsal," rewrite your own lines to try to give the script a different ending.
  • Pick a comfortable location and a time when you're both likely to be relaxed, and ask your roommate if she's free to get together with you. If she's not, let her suggest a different time. Remember that you're looking for a solution, so try to feel -- and sound -- more hopeful than ominous.
  • During your talk, treat your roommate as you would want to be treated if you were the one perceived as having a problem. Assume that he isn't a sociopath just because he has a habit you find hard to live with. Even bad tempers are often a sign of fear or insecurity; adding to his problem will probably just add to yours.
  • Be tactful, be even-tempered, but be clear. Your roommate can't very well change her 'tude if you skirt around the problem. Be concrete about what you would like to see change; a vague "You bug me so bad" won't give her much to strive for. Ideally, she'll come away with enough self-respect that she'll want to try harder.
  • To help prevent a blamefest, talk about how you feel rather than what your roomie is doing "wrong." For example, "I'm afraid we'll lose our apartment if I can't cover the full rent when you're late" is easier to swallow than "You always wait until the first of the month to make excuses about money." (Hint: Unless you want to start a fight, beginning a sentence with "You always" is always a bad idea.)

Before you take any actions, think about what's at stake, and how far you would go to fix the problem. If you've tried the steps above, you're still not seeing any progress, and no rules are being broken, are you willing and legally able to move out? Or can you tolerate your differences until you reach the end of your lease term? You may not end up as close friends, but sometimes it's enough to just get along.